Junior Year: Finished!

Sorry for the break, guys. It ended up being a little more than 2 weeks. Fortunately, I was able to finish all my final papers/exams, and  I passed all my classes. (although one of my classes is still mysteriously missing a letter grade even though the deadline for grades is past due... I guess I'll have to email the registrar about that...)

I can't believe I'm already finished with my junior year of college. Time has gone by so fast; I still feel like I just started this whole college thing, and now I'm already a senior. By next year, I'll be done with school. Forever. I can't even remember a time when I wasn't  in school; it's going to be so weird not running on an academic calendar and having to live like a normal person.

Don't get me wrong- I think it'll be super nice to do my work during the day and not have any more 10 page academic papers burning through every waking (and sometimes sleeping) minute of my life; I just don't feel ready to not be in school yet. Even though it's summer, I still have this feeling like I should be going back up to school and working on stuff for classes tomorrow. It's going to be weird when that cycle just stops. Or when I don't have an entire week of vacation to relax and spend time with my family during the holidays.

And maybe I won't need all of that; especially since I'll be able to reclaim my nights and weekends for myself once I graduate. But the only thing I can picture is daily 9-5 schoolwork for the rest of my life without any breaks. And that seems absolutely maddening to me. I'm sure it's not like that... if it were, I feel like everyone would just give up on life by the time they hit 30. There is just no time in my life where I've ever really experienced life outside of the educational system. I have no real point of reference for figuring out the real world, and admittedly, all that unknown kinda freaks me out; no one ever really talks about that transition and what it was like.

I'm sure I'll be fine- everyone always tells me that it's nothing when you're ready for it. And believe me, I'm more than ready to be done with school. I just wonder sometimes if I'm really prepared to suddenly shift the way I've been living my life for the past 15/16 years.

It's That Time of the Semester Again...

Exam time.

My school tends to go on a bit longer than most, but I'll be done by next Wednesday. (thank goodness- I'm ready for a break!)

However, that means that these next 2 weeks are going to be kind of crazy. I have 3 term papers due soon and 2 tests that I'll need to study for, in addition to packing, moving out, saying goodbyes, and cleaning my room so thoroughly that room checks will be a breeze (they almost never are...) I also have a pre-employment processing day for my summer internship on Monday of exam week.

Needless to say, there's a lot on my mind right now. So, sorry that this week and next week's posts are going to be a bit sparse/late. Like I said, there's a lot going on right now, and I'd like it all to go smoothly.

See you on the other side!

A Sudden Appearance of Hips

This week, the Public Relations student Org that I lead had a field trip to visit a local PR firm. Naturally, we wanted to make a good impression, so we decided to dress business casual for the visit. Sick of wearing khaki pants to everything, I decided to bust out my old dress pants from high school, since I’ve always remained a pretty consistent size. After promptly being issued a steep fine from the fashion police for wearing flared-fit pants after 2005, I noticed something.

The pants that had always been a bit too big on me were now really, really squashing my hips. As in, I sat down to think about how I could still probably wear them and get away with it, and my hips were like “DEAR GOD NO I WON’T LET YOU DO THIS TO ME” and I had to take them off.

My hips have always been bigger than the rest of me, and I have outgrown clothes before, but this was different. Normally, when I had to size up, it was because I was growing, and so I generally grew pretty evenly. But for the first time in my life, only one area is getting bigger, and it’s getting bigger because it’s gaining weight. I don’t fit into things nicely anymore; I either have to buy the right size dress and have it be way too tight in my hips, or buy a size up so that it fits my hips but is slightly baggy everywhere else. (when I told my friend about this, she gave me a proud smile and said “Kayla, you’ve finally become a woman. Welcome. I’m proud of you”)

I’ll have to admit, I was troubled by my gut reaction to my ill-fitting pants. The first thing that popped into my head was “I really need to stop eating all those processed foods” and “bikini season’s coming up; I really should start doing squats.” At which point I screamed “SHUT UP PATRIARCHY” and ran out to buy myself a large cinnamon bun and a bag of cheesy popcorn. (The food part’s true. I also bought two boxes of cereal, a loaf of bread, and a shower curtain for completely unrelated reasons.)

Concern was a weird reaction for me to have, especially since I know that I’m still very thin, and I’ve wanted to gain weight for a while. I’m certainly not ashamed of or concerned about my hips; I was even kind of proud when I went out to buy new dress pants and the “curvy fit” were the ones that were most flattering and fit best. It’s just a part of growing up. As my friend told me, “when you hit the age of 20/21 your body starts going through another set of changes” (I snorted when she said this; it made me think of awkward middle school talks but it also made me think of changing into a werewolf. Which I kind of hope happens too, because that would be pretty flippin’ awesome)

With these hips, I’ll most likely be turning into Shakira. But close enough, right?

In the end, my friend had me get up and show off my new hips, and we laughed about how I was finally getting curves and turning into a woman.

And you know what? I think I might just keep them.

Why I Hate Dating

Because it’s confusing as Hell.

Seriously, while at college, I have been on so many dates that I didn’t realize were dates until afterward. And that makes me kind of mad. It’s almost offensive to me; to ask me to “hang out” as “friends” and then try to hold my hand the whole time or put your arm around me or something. Asking someone to “hang out” and then treating it like a date does nothing but send mixed messages.

On one hand, I feel like dating and hanging out shouldn’t really be any different. I mean, you do both to try and get to know someone better and to grow closer with them.  And yet, I get really upset when I find out that someone who told me we were “just hanging out” saw it as a date the whole time. Why is that? I think it’s because of the romantic expectations associated with a date.

From my perspective, hanging out is solely platonic. I am not romantically interested in my friends, who I hang out with all the time. But on a date, there’s always that romantic elephant in the room. And it has that awkward physical expectation to it that isn’t present at a platonic hangout.

And I think that’s what makes me mad about “hanging out” with guys that are romantically interested in me. Because they’re expecting me to act in a way consistent with their romantic expectations (ie holding their hand or batting my eyelashes at them so much that I get strobe-light vision) and that’s not what I want or expect at all.

It’s confusing, it feels deceptive, and it takes away my choice in the matter.  Because when you leave something that important out, you're essentially taking away my ability to make an informed choice. And that bothers me; I should have the right to choose who I want to become romantically involved with. Because sometimes I really, really like a guy and love spending time with him, but that doesn’t mean that I want to hold his hand or kiss him or any of that.

I just wish people were clearer about their expectations. Because this whole "dating-but-not" thing is starting to drive me crazy.

Stepping Up and Taking Responsibility (but not too much responsibility)

It’s been yet another crazy week for me. This week I had several papers and projects due, I worked extra hours in the costume shop to get the Theater Company’s show ready to open, and it was also the week that Student Organization renewal forms were due. In addition, I’m busy preparing for a presentation that I’m going to give to the board of a non-profit about the social media audit that I conducted for them. These things always seem to pop up at the same time.

There were several times this week when I brushed up against the threshold of an adulthood fail. It was tempting to give in and go to bed rather than stay up until 5:00am finishing a 6-10 page paper. It was also tempting to give in and stop trying so hard to finish and turn in all the paperwork associated with renewing the student organization that I help lead. It was really tempting to just let go and watch everything collapse in on itself and revel in my immaturity. But I didn’t. I suffered through and held on, and I made it to the end of the week alive. Albeit severely sleep deprived, stressed out, and a bit crabby, but alive nonetheless, and with everything still intact too.

Even though plenty of people choose to shirk responsibility in favor of doing something more enjoyable, I think part of being a successful adult is digging into all that stressful stuff and working through it for the sake of others or for the sake of a better future.  I didn’t want to stay up all night working on a paper, but I knew that a good GPA lets me keep my scholarships and gives me more internship opportunities in the future. I didn’t want to figure out all the paperwork for my student org, but I realized that the networking and portfolio-building opportunities that my organization provides might be the difference between whether or not I land a job once I graduate, and I know that those opportunities benefit the other members as well. As a result, I push through the stressful times and end up with brighter opportunities and less stress in the future.

But at the same time, a big part of this adult responsibility is learning to let some things go. You can’t be the hero to everyone, all the time. When you try to do everything at once, you easily become overbooked, exhausted and burnt out. You have to make good choices about what you want to put work into, and you have to realize that you can’t carry another person’s weight for them. It’s just too much for you to handle on your own. This is something I need to work on. You can’t do everything for everyone else. If things are going to fall apart, then they will fall apart eventually, no matter how much effort you put into trying to save them. Yeah, it’s really disappointing when they do, but you can’t burn yourself out by trying to bail out the Titanic with a one-gallon bucket.

Moral of the story: hard work is good, and it pays off, but only if you’re smart about what you invest your work in.

Life Decisions

So much good news came my way this week, especially the news that I received the offer for the summer internship position I interviewed for! I am so excited for and extremely blessed by this opportunity to go out into the adult world and gain some real life experience in my career field. 

Also, I (officially) received the news that one of my good friends from college is engaged! I’m so excited and happy for her!

…But I’m also just a little bit terrified.

It really doesn’t have anything to do with her or her wedding; she’s just the first of my friends to get married. I mean, plenty of my acquaintances or former high school classmates have become engaged or tied the knot, but that never really registered much with me.

Until now.

When I heard the news, I was so happy for her and so excited because I freakin’ love weddings. But then, out of nowhere, all of the alarms in my head began sounding off at once screaming , “YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED! SHE’S OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? YOU’RE ALSO OF MARRYING AGE! SOME GUY COULD COME ALONG RIGHT NOW AND MARRY YOU TOO!”

Looking back, hanging a garlic wreath outside my door to ward off potential husbands was probably a bit of an overreaction…

But in all reality, I suddenly started noticing my Facebook newsfeed blowing up with all sorts of engagement announcements, and it seemed as though everywhere I turned, college friends, high school classmates, and even childhood friends were engaged, married, or starting a family. It was kind of a big awakening for me; realizing that we’ve come to the point of our lives where we begin to make the decision of how we want to spend the rest of our time here.

But I don’t especially want to make that decision right now.

I can still remember freshman year, sitting in the dorm’s coffee kitchen with my friends and talking about the rest of our lives, about how we were going to have such a blast celebrating the first of our weddings. And now that day’s here, and so much has changed. When I sat at that table three years ago, I pictured us all so adult-like and world-wise; I figured anywhere between 25-30 years old was a good age to celebrate the first marriage in our friend group. 

But I’m only 20 years old, and I’m starting to see that we all have to begin to make the decision about what our lives are going to look like. As someone who really, really hates taking uninformed risks, I feel like I don’t know enough to make that decision. But I also know that refusing to make a decision is, in a way, still making a decision nonetheless. I don’t know what I want out of life; I don’t even know what life has to offer me yet. And I certainly don’t want to get married already.

Ugh... Maybe I’ll just pick up another major and hide from life for a while until I feel comfortable entering the world and making that decision. Until then, I suppose I’ll just eat a ton of Italian food and hope that the constant garlic on my breath wards away any would-be fiancees.

Adults Know How to Manage Conflict (usually)

Sorry guys, it’s been a while since I’ve written last. Last week was spring break, and other than sewing a couple of dresses and visiting a college with my sister, nothing exciting really happened anyway.

 (insert shameless bragging about my sewing skills here)

But this week was the workshop for the intentional housing opportunity that I talked about in my last post. The workshop allows us to meet some of our potential future housemates and gives the mentors the opportunity to observe and get to know us a bit better. All of this factors into our housing placement for the semester, which we’ll find out in a few weeks.

I’m really excited to enter into the program. Everyone at the workshop seemed so friendly and great, and I think it’s a really good group of people participating this year; I’d be happy to have any of them as housemates.  We participated in a few different sessions- in one of them we had to make up the rules for our own card game and in another session we made a collage representing what community means to us.

And then there was the session on conflict.

…Let’s just say that’s not where my strengths lie.

Basically, we were given a scenario where we had to confront a hypothetical housemate about something like the mess they were leaving in the house, etc.  When I was called to speak up, I basically beat around the bush until someone else had to cut me off in order to get to the point that I was avoiding. If it were a test, I definitely would not be pleased with my performance.

I was really surprised by how passive my words were. Instead of saying “your mess makes us all uncomfortable and you need to respect us and this community by cleaning them up” I said things like “there are a lot of dirty dishes everywhere” and “everyone needs to share responsibility in doing the dishes”, which was a confusing and ridiculously passive way to communicate my point.

Which is ironic, because all night I was talking about being a communications major and about how clear communication is important to me.

Fail.

I don’t know why I couldn’t say it directly. I like to think I’m pretty honest and clear when I talk to people, but looking back, I respond to conflict this way pretty frequently. I don’t know if my response is motivated by a desire not to hurt people’s feelings, or a desire not to be the bad guy, or if I just think people won’t like me if I call them out when I have a problem. Maybe I’d rather live uncomfortably than upset someone else. Ugh, those are all terrible rationalizations, aren’t they?

Being honest and open means also being honest and open when you have a problem with someone else’s actions. And I know that being direct is really the more truthful way to solve problems and that people appreciate and respect others who assert themselves. I guess that’s a mindset that I need to embrace more fully.