(This was in my drafts, unpublished. Originally from 2014)

Well, it's this September, and guess where I am! 21, unemployed, and still in my parents house. Awesome.

But, I've been living life to the fullest, right? Embracing risk, living life on the edge, being a general badass. You know, cool things to brag about in a blog post.

Nope. I tried to start a couch-to-5k running program and nearly died on the side of the road (literally laid down in the ditch because I thought I was going to pass out), spent 10 minutes at a local festival before nearly having a heatstroke and crawling home to sit under the fan for the rest of the day, and traveled across the country only to leave a friend's wedding early because I felt sick. Fascinating!

(Ok: I did actually do some fun things this summer. I went to a cousin's bachelorette party, attended 2 weddings, explored Seattle, hosted a garage sale, and went kind of crazy making baby stuff for an expecting friend.)

But you know, looking back at everything, I don't think I'm really built for a super-exciting, risk-taking crazy life. One of the more frequent activities from this summer was visits to the doctor. I spent a lot of my summer feeling pretty sick and trying to figure out what was going on. After a plethora of tests, we've made a diagnosis and, fortunately, it's nothing serious. I will, however, have to make some lifestyle modifications.

Most of these modifications aren't too bad. I mean, it's always hard to make changes to your lifestyle, but with my health, the benefits heavily outweigh the discomfort of change, and I will gladly make these changes. There is, of course, one change that's going to be less easy. My condition is heavily affected by my stress level.

Great.

If you know me or have read any of my blog posts at all, you know I'm not exactly a serene person. Type A all the way. I'm high-strung, kind of anxious, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform at a certain level that is remarkably hard to attain. I don't even think I can remember recent time when I haven't been stressed about something. In fact, right now, I am stressed about an upcoming check-up, still not having a job, my Pro Bono work, and lastly, I'm stressed about how I'm possibly going to control my stress level.

I guess I need to practice relinquishing control. I've posted about this before, I know. When you're stressed and feel like so many things are out of control (the job hunt, my health, feeling so far from any friends, etc.), your first instinct is to try to take control for yourself. This is bad. When you try to control everything, you don't actually change anything. In fact, things stay out of control, you just feel more personally responsible when things don't go how you think they should. Which makes you stressed.

Cue Quarter-Life Crisis (Is that a thing?)

Hey guys, it’s been a while.

Mid-January I was made aware of the opportunity to graduate with honors (something I didn’t think I could do), and since I only had to contract 2 more courses for honors in order to achieve this, I decided it would be a manageable and worthwhile pursuit. As fate would have it, things were a bit more complicated than that.  For my honors contracted courses, I ended up doing, in total, about 7-8 extra assignments between my honors courses (3 of them large projects/papers) and I also had to write an honors thesis, expanding a paper from a previous course to 10 pages and then presenting my thesis in front of the faculty for my department. On top of all that, on my honors graduation application, my cumulative GPA was about .03 short of what it needed to be in order to graduate with honors, and in order to bring it up, my semester GPA had to be about a 3.7. Additionally, I still had to manage leading a student org, engaging with my intentional community, working, volunteering, and (fragments of) a social life. [/excuses]

Sorry I didn’t have time to write, I hardly had time to sleep.

All ended well enough, though. I graduated with a medallion around my neck and a semester GPA of 3.9! And now I’m done. Forever.

Yay?

Sooo… yeah. Here I am. A grown up. Living jobless in my parent’s house. Writing a blog post.

Ok, so I just graduated. 3(ish?) weeks ago. By all reports, most people don’t have until several months after graduation. I definitely should not feel like a loser. I graduated with honors! I’ve had 2 internships and I do a lot of volunteering! I’m a hard worker!

But the fact remains: I do feel kind of like a loser. Up at school, I was told time and time again not to have a gap in my resume. And a few weeks isn’t really a gap... I’ve spent some of this time exploring different Pro Bono volunteering opportunities to keep me sharp while I look for a job. Every second I’m not employed or doing something productive with the skills I’ve spent the past four years developing feels like I’m wasting precious time in a job opportunity hourglass that’s about to run out. I know that’s not true. Everyone knows that’s not true.

There’s just so much uncertainty in my life now. For the first time in my entire life, I have no idea where I’ll be this September. I could be exactly where I want to be: in a full-time, degree-utilizing job in West Michigan. I could be thousands of miles away doing PR in New York or somewhere completely unexpected like Kansas City or something. Or I could be an unemployed 21 year old living with her parents. As someone who hates risks and uncertainty, this makes me super uncomfortable.

And I guess uncertainty in my future makes me feel like a loser? That doesn’t make much sense when you break it down.

I think part of my problem is that I’m going about this the wrong way. You know, for the first time since I can remember, my summer is completely free. I’m not working, I don’t have any school obligations; I’m completely free. I’m a 21-year old and I have a car: I can do whatever I want. As an adult, it’s time to stop seeing the future as a risk and start seeing it as an opportunity. I need to stop limiting myself, I need to take risks. If I don’t explore, if I don’t take risks, if I don’t even apply for jobs halfway across the country because I’m too afraid of what might happen, I’ll end up the same place I’ve always been.

So here goes. I’ll start small, but it’s time to stop tying myself down with fear of the unknown, and time to start embracing a world of possibility.

Happy New Year!

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last posted… I got busy and then I wasn’t committed to writing posts every week, and things kind of got away from me. But I’m back, and I’m hoping to be better about writing this year. 

A lot happened between my last post and now: my summer internship was a huge success and a very enjoyable time for me to learn about PR and marketing in a professional environment, I began my last year of college, I moved in to my Project Neighborhood house, I sewed a ton of costumes at work, I got a new internship in the city of Grand Rapids, my friend got married, a few more of my friends/relatives got engaged, and I turned 21. You could say 2013 ended on kind of a crazy note. I’ll get to talking about all these experiences in time; to reflect on all of them now would make for an excessively long post.

2014 is going to be a big year for me. I graduate college in May, which means I’ll be starting out my life as an adult this year (which hopefully means a job and a place of my own for me! Although I know these things never just fall in to place like you expect/want…) Even though I didn’t think I was going to make any resolutions this year, I ended up making a resolution and listing a few things to hope/wish for.  Hopefully 2014 is good to me!

In 2014 I will…

Cut haters out of my life

Especially on social media. I have a tendency to let people say some pretty nasty things to me without ever challenging that. But you know what? If people aren’t going to be respectful or speak out of kindness, then I am not obligated to sit and listen to them. Plain and simple. 

In 2014 I hope to…

1.  Publish my poetry—why not take a risk? My professors say it’s good, I like it, so I might as well go all out.

2. Update my blog weekly—heh. Hopefully I’ll be better this year.

3. Go on an Adventure!—I don’t know what that will look like necessarily: road trip maybe? See a new city? Go to the zoo? That’s what I’m supposed to do while I’m young, right?

4. Read 12 books—1 book per month. I like books, and this will give me an excuse to read more.

5. Quilt something—I really would love to learn to quilt, and this will get me started!

6. Sew at least 1 dress/outfit—I love sewing, so this one should be easy.

7. Win a costume contest—I love sewing, I love Halloween, and I love winning. More great motivation to do more sewing.

8. Attend a fun social thing/make a friend—I need to get out more. Without motivation, I’ll just get up, go to work, go home and sit on the couch all night. Not good.

9. Spend less time on social media—As a PR person, I need to update my social media more, but I can do that while still spending less time online. I’ll get more done that way, and I’ll probably be happier too.

In 2014 I wish…

For a good start to adulthood

To learn to be independent

To kick off my career in Grand Rapids

To come into my own

May your 2014 be as totally rad as I’m expecting mine to be!

Junior Year: Finished!

Sorry for the break, guys. It ended up being a little more than 2 weeks. Fortunately, I was able to finish all my final papers/exams, and  I passed all my classes. (although one of my classes is still mysteriously missing a letter grade even though the deadline for grades is past due... I guess I'll have to email the registrar about that...)

I can't believe I'm already finished with my junior year of college. Time has gone by so fast; I still feel like I just started this whole college thing, and now I'm already a senior. By next year, I'll be done with school. Forever. I can't even remember a time when I wasn't  in school; it's going to be so weird not running on an academic calendar and having to live like a normal person.

Don't get me wrong- I think it'll be super nice to do my work during the day and not have any more 10 page academic papers burning through every waking (and sometimes sleeping) minute of my life; I just don't feel ready to not be in school yet. Even though it's summer, I still have this feeling like I should be going back up to school and working on stuff for classes tomorrow. It's going to be weird when that cycle just stops. Or when I don't have an entire week of vacation to relax and spend time with my family during the holidays.

And maybe I won't need all of that; especially since I'll be able to reclaim my nights and weekends for myself once I graduate. But the only thing I can picture is daily 9-5 schoolwork for the rest of my life without any breaks. And that seems absolutely maddening to me. I'm sure it's not like that... if it were, I feel like everyone would just give up on life by the time they hit 30. There is just no time in my life where I've ever really experienced life outside of the educational system. I have no real point of reference for figuring out the real world, and admittedly, all that unknown kinda freaks me out; no one ever really talks about that transition and what it was like.

I'm sure I'll be fine- everyone always tells me that it's nothing when you're ready for it. And believe me, I'm more than ready to be done with school. I just wonder sometimes if I'm really prepared to suddenly shift the way I've been living my life for the past 15/16 years.

Life Decisions

So much good news came my way this week, especially the news that I received the offer for the summer internship position I interviewed for! I am so excited for and extremely blessed by this opportunity to go out into the adult world and gain some real life experience in my career field. 

Also, I (officially) received the news that one of my good friends from college is engaged! I’m so excited and happy for her!

…But I’m also just a little bit terrified.

It really doesn’t have anything to do with her or her wedding; she’s just the first of my friends to get married. I mean, plenty of my acquaintances or former high school classmates have become engaged or tied the knot, but that never really registered much with me.

Until now.

When I heard the news, I was so happy for her and so excited because I freakin’ love weddings. But then, out of nowhere, all of the alarms in my head began sounding off at once screaming , “YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED! SHE’S OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? YOU’RE ALSO OF MARRYING AGE! SOME GUY COULD COME ALONG RIGHT NOW AND MARRY YOU TOO!”

Looking back, hanging a garlic wreath outside my door to ward off potential husbands was probably a bit of an overreaction…

But in all reality, I suddenly started noticing my Facebook newsfeed blowing up with all sorts of engagement announcements, and it seemed as though everywhere I turned, college friends, high school classmates, and even childhood friends were engaged, married, or starting a family. It was kind of a big awakening for me; realizing that we’ve come to the point of our lives where we begin to make the decision of how we want to spend the rest of our time here.

But I don’t especially want to make that decision right now.

I can still remember freshman year, sitting in the dorm’s coffee kitchen with my friends and talking about the rest of our lives, about how we were going to have such a blast celebrating the first of our weddings. And now that day’s here, and so much has changed. When I sat at that table three years ago, I pictured us all so adult-like and world-wise; I figured anywhere between 25-30 years old was a good age to celebrate the first marriage in our friend group. 

But I’m only 20 years old, and I’m starting to see that we all have to begin to make the decision about what our lives are going to look like. As someone who really, really hates taking uninformed risks, I feel like I don’t know enough to make that decision. But I also know that refusing to make a decision is, in a way, still making a decision nonetheless. I don’t know what I want out of life; I don’t even know what life has to offer me yet. And I certainly don’t want to get married already.

Ugh... Maybe I’ll just pick up another major and hide from life for a while until I feel comfortable entering the world and making that decision. Until then, I suppose I’ll just eat a ton of Italian food and hope that the constant garlic on my breath wards away any would-be fiancees.

Adults Know How to Manage Conflict (usually)

Sorry guys, it’s been a while since I’ve written last. Last week was spring break, and other than sewing a couple of dresses and visiting a college with my sister, nothing exciting really happened anyway.

 (insert shameless bragging about my sewing skills here)

But this week was the workshop for the intentional housing opportunity that I talked about in my last post. The workshop allows us to meet some of our potential future housemates and gives the mentors the opportunity to observe and get to know us a bit better. All of this factors into our housing placement for the semester, which we’ll find out in a few weeks.

I’m really excited to enter into the program. Everyone at the workshop seemed so friendly and great, and I think it’s a really good group of people participating this year; I’d be happy to have any of them as housemates.  We participated in a few different sessions- in one of them we had to make up the rules for our own card game and in another session we made a collage representing what community means to us.

And then there was the session on conflict.

…Let’s just say that’s not where my strengths lie.

Basically, we were given a scenario where we had to confront a hypothetical housemate about something like the mess they were leaving in the house, etc.  When I was called to speak up, I basically beat around the bush until someone else had to cut me off in order to get to the point that I was avoiding. If it were a test, I definitely would not be pleased with my performance.

I was really surprised by how passive my words were. Instead of saying “your mess makes us all uncomfortable and you need to respect us and this community by cleaning them up” I said things like “there are a lot of dirty dishes everywhere” and “everyone needs to share responsibility in doing the dishes”, which was a confusing and ridiculously passive way to communicate my point.

Which is ironic, because all night I was talking about being a communications major and about how clear communication is important to me.

Fail.

I don’t know why I couldn’t say it directly. I like to think I’m pretty honest and clear when I talk to people, but looking back, I respond to conflict this way pretty frequently. I don’t know if my response is motivated by a desire not to hurt people’s feelings, or a desire not to be the bad guy, or if I just think people won’t like me if I call them out when I have a problem. Maybe I’d rather live uncomfortably than upset someone else. Ugh, those are all terrible rationalizations, aren’t they?

Being honest and open means also being honest and open when you have a problem with someone else’s actions. And I know that being direct is really the more truthful way to solve problems and that people appreciate and respect others who assert themselves. I guess that’s a mindset that I need to embrace more fully.

Some Things to Look Forward to

I got quite a bit of good news this week (in addition to the good news that it’s FINALLY spring break!). First of all, I have the opportunity to interview for a marketing/PR internship this summer, which would be a great opportunity for me to gain experience and learn what kind of PR environment I eventually want to work in. I’m really excited about it; I’ve been waiting for a while to go out and see what it’ll be like to work in my career field, especially since I’ll be graduating and starting to look for a real job next summer. (ugh I do NOT want to think about that…)

But the big news I received this week is that I was accepted into an intentional housing program at my school. The basics of this program are that I go out into the city of Grand Rapids and live in a house with other upperclassmen and a resident mentor associated with my school. We make a commitment to spend time with each other and time with the people of our neighborhood. Each house (there are 5 total) hosts community events and commits to a certain number of hours volunteering and working to improve and support the community it’s located in.

I’m super excited to be able to really plug into the city of Grand Rapids and invest in the people around me. Volunteer work has always been something that’s brought me so much joy; being able to connect with people different than you and commit to bettering someone outside of yourself is a truly awesome 

experience. I love every minute of it.

I’m excited to get to know the city better too. I’ve lived my whole life less than two hours south of Grand Rapids, and I’ve actually lived within the city for the past 3 years, but I still feel like I don’t really know Grand Rapids very well. Since I’ll most likely find myself in an urban environment for my future career, it’s possible that I might end up staying here. If I do, then it’s important that I know the city where I’ll be living, and connecting to a neighborhood through this program gives me such a great opportunity to do so.

 Downtown Grand Rapids

I’m just really excited about the whole thing. And hey, after the past few weeks, I could use some good news.