I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to sit sequestered down in the dungeon we're relegated to in the basement of our building, surrounded by drywall and flourescent lighting, a whole quarter of a mile walk separated from other humans, with a peek at the outside through the windows on 1 of the 4 walls of our area. I don't want to be face to face with leaders who I feel are disappointed with me, and most of all, I'm dreading the possibility of getting reamed out by my grand-boss again.
I don't even know when I'm making a decision worthy of a "what's wrong with you" talk anymore. I feel like I can't relax, can't take time off, because if I do then I'm "leaving my team hanging." My team of 2: me and my boss, who doesn't pay much attention to me, to tasks, to decisions we've made... He literally told me the other day (intended as a joke, but it's never actually a joke), when I jogged his memory on an important task for our business partner, "that's why we keep you around." Just a living post-it note. That's my whole value.
This weekend I fell down the "death stairs" in my 110 year old house. They're steep, narrow, and covered in shag carpet, which gets slick when it's compressed from thousands of treads up and down. I was leaning over the banister hanging garland, I turned, and I just slipped. It all happened so fast and felt so out of control. I grabbed the railing but it didn't help me much. On the positive side, I was only a little more than halfway to the first floor. On the negative side, grabbing the railing did literally nothing to stop me or slow me down. With my arm extended, I still hit the stairs and then the floor at full impact. It was terrifying. My scream and the thuds must have sounded pretty bad, too; my husband threw the Christmas display he was assembling across the room and ran over to me.
I don't think I broke anything, luckily. But my right hip, opposite of the main impact I took, is still messed up. I have a good amount of pain and stiffness, and I can't really raise my knee to hip level right now. I have to lift my leg if i want to pull it up. Maybe I sprained it while trying to brace myself or slow down my fall, I guess. I just hope I didn't tear anything, and now that I'm in my 30s I worry that this fall is an injury that is going to be one of those that haunts me until I die. My "bad hip" for 50 more years.
Anyway, I stayed home today. I needed to rest. And I feel terrible about it, even though I still worked (just remote.) I'm terrified that I'm going to get yelled at, as if there's anything I could do to not get hurt. I'm sure I'd get more grace for an injury that put me in the hospital than relief that I had a relatively good outcome from a situation that could have killed me in different circumstances (god, I hate the physical mortality of being 30.)
I feel sick of gambling with my bodily life all of the time. The stress of this job will kill me, if not at least permanently disable me, and ignoring injuries or other body issues by still showing up and trying to "perform" as if nothing happened isn't doing me any favors, either. These are the grudges and ruminations, the anger and regret that I'll keep when I'm in the twilight hours of my life.
This is the debt I owe in exchange for breathing air, needing shelter and food in a corporate-run economy. And by all perspectives, this corporate gig is the good, easy life. The price of life for blue collar and "essential" workers is infinitely more steep and unforgiving.
I'm just so tired of it. This can't be it. I know for a fact that, despite the crazy looks I get from my fellow corporate drones, that this is not what I'm made or adapted for. That I'm supposed to be participating as a mortal, physical creature, part of this earth and ecosystem for my limited time; not as another natural thing that the "innovation" of man tries to control or stamp out.
For god's sake, I just need to get the hell out of here.
No comments:
Post a Comment